Saturday, January 22, 2011

Forget murphy...

big brother corrals little sister while mama vacuums
cause they don't want her to get "sucked up".
Let me tell you about the laws-not of attraction, physics, or the universe, but of the "mamahood". I wish someone had taken a second to jot some of these down for me before the first darlin' arrived. It would have been most helpful, in retrospect.

If you want some quiet, as in no whining, no mama justice renderings, no babies cryin', turn on that loud, out-of-date vacuum and take your sweet time to clean the whole house. Not so great for your back, but awesome for getting kids to work things out for themselves while you pretend you are deaf beyond the whizzing of gears.

Mr. growth spurt
One millisecond after you clean the windows, little innocent hands will be stuck into mouths and then smeared to decorate said previously cleaned windows. This art class favorite works on car windows too.

Immediately after you purchase a bunch of clothing that fits your kids perfectly, there will be a growth spurt-especially after those nice expensive shoes and holiday clothing purchases.

off the floor, in the fingers...
Bits of who-knows-what will end up in the baby's mouth if left on the floor. There are no exceptions to this rule. This is why you see all the moms vacuuming. It has nothing to do with perfection in cleaning. We just don't wanna go to the ER and we like the peace and quiet as described above.

You can take kids to the potty before you leave the house and withhold liquids for 24 hours, and a child will still do the pee pee dance once you get to the mall or grocery. Never fails- though the dance is kinda cute when you get used to it.
only a face this cute could ask
the same question 20x
and get away with it...

Morning coffee is typically re-warmed-what five times? Don't get me started on cold meals. This is a natural diet plan for post pregnancy mamas. Kids will eat everything off their mamas plates including veggies. Come on, if it's on my plate, then it has to be fabulous right?

Is it possible to repeat the same answer more than 20 times in a row and keep your cool? And you thought high school was the ultimate test for "coolness"!

Seeing one child teach another is a moment of perfection, and just as rare.

If you have an outfit you like, you know one for outings not including a grocery run, do not wear it around bottle, nursing, potty training stage darlin's. What goes in must come out and what goes up comes down.

and in the mouth it goes...
As soon as a parent gets ready to sit, a crisis of some kind will inevitably occur.

No one cries while you are in the shower, at least not loud enough to be heard above the water!

Doing laundry at midnight is a normal occurrence and fairly peaceful once you get used to it I must say.

If you get caught up on laundry, or dishes for that matter, stop and say a prayer of thanks for your mama voodoo magic because honey you have just performed a miracle that sadly will only last about half an hour.

Before you have kids, most of us say things that we will "never do" and you can take it to the bank that you will be eating most of those words! Bon appetite!

Right after you wash out everyone's sheets, including the baby's crib, there will be vomit, urine, or spit up. It's a bit like washing your car to get it to rain.

Babies think biting during nursing is tres funny. Mama, not so much.

my main "entertainer"
The lack of privacy you receive in the hospital during childbirth is pretty reflective of the sort of privacy that comes with raisin' darlin's. Well, maybe you do get more at the hospital now that I think about it because at least the nurses don't ask questions about rolls, marks, and "whatnot" that they observe.

window paintings
There is nothing more beautiful than seeing your kids share, seriously.

A clean playroom is an oxymoron, Mary Poppins assisted cleaning aside.

When a child does something great like stay dry all night or sleep through the night, don't count on it happening two nights in a row. You know, one step forward and three steps back, sigh....

Babies and children love paper, plastic, boxes, sticks and rocks way more than toys. This is always really evident on Christmas morning right after we've spent all our cashola on 'em.

At some point I realized singing the children to sleep was as calming to me as it was to them.

You will at least once, say or do something and think, "that is something my mother would have done".

love of cardboard toys
If you are sitting down having a moment of peace, you have very likely forgotten something you were supposed to be doing. There is always a payment, right ladies?

I used to have an aunt say to me that she often toyed with the idea of flushing her kids down the toilet. Of course I am old enough now to see that they wouldn't fit, but then I get the gist a little clearer too.

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